Ava & Clara

My girls… Oh my precious growing little girls.  This is a personal project as I’ve been trying to get Ava’s 5 year pictures done since April (I know… shame on me) and I have a large photo project that I’ve done with both girls where I do session per month for their first year and then create a large wall collage – BUT Ava’s large picture in the middle is when she was almost 3 — so this session gets to be Clara’s final session before printing.  Its bittersweet…

I love my little family… and I love my girls.  But I also have to say this week has been one of the hardest in our families lives…  We lost a baby last week to an ectopic pregnancy.  Had no idea those existed!  After 3 days in the hospital in Charleston, South Carolina while on vacation with my family, I soon realized how serious the situation was.  Balancing between worry that the baby will be okay….blood draw… numbers were off… ultrasound… baby not in uterus but in the fallopian tube by the ovary…  blood draws… worried the baby might cause you to internal bleeding when tube ruptures… talk about when to plan surgery… blood draw… and waiting.  So many prayers, tears and waiting.

I definitely don’t type this out for sympathy – but to honor those who blessed us so much in the hospital and to give our testimony that God is there during the most difficult times in our lives.  We felt His presence with us from the first ultrasound tech who hugged me and prayed with me in the hallway, to the man who wheeled me back to my room and told me about what a great God we serve and if I thought about where our baby was maybe I wouldn’t be so sad, (he’d lost twins earlier that year), to the nurse tech who came in our room at 10:30 at night and preached us a 15 minute sermon about the wonders of God – and how Job never got the answer why to all of his troubles, but in his suffering he got to hear God speak.  And how Jesus was asleep on the boat in one of the biggest storms the disciples had ever seen and all he had to say was, “PEACE, Be still…” To my nurses who so lovingly cared for us during our stay, To the best doctor I’ve ever met in my life… who so patiently cared, talked, and cried with us over our loss.  I have never met such compassion in a physician and I feel absolutely blessed to have been in his care.  Giving me peace that I can dream of having another baby… down to his follow up call after we’d gotten back home.

I’m literally not much of a talker when it comes to pain… I hide, run, and avoid… but I really felt like God is calling me to say through the sadness God is still good… and let him receive the glory for the gifts of the two little girls I already have.  I deserve nothing from Him and yet he has given me so much.  This child will be waiting for me in heaven to hold… and through tears I let go of the dreams I had for this little bundle… but I hold close to the family God has gifted me and the two beautiful joys I already have knowing that this life is fleeting and that this world is not my home.  And also recognizing the miracle that the baby was able to move on its own out of my tube so I was able to avoid surgery and a very serious chemo drug.  I can honestly say at one point while sitting in my hospital bed before the last ultrasound I felt something move from my right side to the middle… which breaks my heart but I know God spared me surgery in letting it move out of the tube.

I know I have many friends who have lost a child… I now feel your pain… I have others who have been trying for a baby… the fear of losing an ovary was crushing… my heart bleeds for you.  I pray for you often; even prior to this happening I’d wake up in the middle of the night praying for you… There really are no words that help ease this type of pain only the reassurance that God is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow and He can handle my sorrow and my fear.  And as in 2 Corinthians 4:16-18 “So we do not lose heart though our outer self is waisting away our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing us for an eternal weight in glory beyond all comparison.”

So with that… I say good night!!